“As they went down the mist became colder and damper, and their hair hung lank and dripping on their foreheads. When they reached the bottom it was so chill that they halted and got out cloaks and hoods, which soon became bedewed with grey drops.”
An alternate and better name for this chapter probably would
have been “What it’s like to live in England.”
So after the hobbits wake up and realize its foggy, things
go pretty bad. All of the hobbits, excluding Frodo, disappear to chilling
screams. "Help!" "Save me!" "No! Not the [plot-spoiler redacted]." Soon Frodo is left alone. The question I was wondering at this point
is: is this reminiscent of Mirkwood forest or what?
Some good descriptions follow: “The wind began to hiss over
the grass.” And “[Frodo’s] breath was smoking, and the darkness was less near
and thick.”
Anyway, Frodo is all alone, surrounded by fog. Oh no! What’s going
to happen next? Yep, you guessed it. Barrow-wights.
“Trembling [Frodo] looked up, in time to see a tall dark
figure like a shadow against the stars. It leaned over him. He thought there
were two eyes, very cold though lit with a pale light that seemed to come from
some remote distance. Then a grip stronger and colder than iron seized him. The
icy touch froze his bones, and he remembered no more.”
Frodo soon reveals that Barrow-Wights are his captors, his thoughts musing that these are the creatures “about which whispered tales spoke.” Of course,
the first thing I wondered was: I know what a wight is, but what the heck is a barrow?
Turns out, a barrow is a wheelbarrow, according to the dictionary. See http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/barrow.
In fact, we learn on that very page that Frodo was “in a
barrow.” Okay, so he’s being carried in a wheelbarrow. Umm, okay. So at this point I’m
visualizing a pretty large freaking barrow on wheels. Then, all of a sudden,
Sam, Pippin, and Merry show up in this “barrow,” and about them are lying “many
treasures, of gold maybe, though in that light they looked cold and unlovely.”
What the heck??? At this point I’m panicking. What kind of
barrow is this? How can there be so much barrow? Is the barrow-wight carrying
them around in a simulated wheelbarrow-globe or something? Is this barrow like the Matrix??
The point of true terror really came with this line: “But
across their three necks lay one long naked sword.” But who is holding this
sword? How can a sword be lying across their necks without cutting them? Is this really a
wheelbarrow????!!!! Mr. Tolkien, could you have at least put them in some type
of hill? That would make a lot more sense!
It turns out that Tolkien also thought that a hill does make more sense. Go back to the dictionary definition, http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/barrow, and if
you scroll down, you’ll notice that “barrow” is a British word for “hill.” Of
course! I didn’t notice this till after I had read the chapter and was
reviewing the definition again for this blog post. Who said that critical
analysis couldn’t lead to revelatory insight??? Naysayers, I just proved you
wrong!
Okay, then Frodo hums a magical tune, and Tom shows up to save the hobbits from the barrow-wight. Now I'm wondering, why Tom? Personally
I would have liked to see Goldberry again, so Frodo could say his line of, “Oh
sweet fair Goldberry, your hair is so fair, like gold, and your breasts are so
soft, just like berries, err, I mean, shoot . . .”
If Tolkien had taken the story in that direction, it could lead to some interesting side-plots that would have had as much relevance to the main plot as these three last chapters. For example, we could have had such classic lines as:
Tom [suddenly showing up]: “You little pervert! Did you really think that the master of his own domain would not notice you perving over my wife? Do
you think it’s coincidence that you got caught by a barrow-wight in my domain?
That, Frodo, is the natural consequence that flows from your adulterous
thoughts.”
Frodo: “Please, I didn’t mean it, I swear! And if you don't mind my asking, Tom, could you explain how a barrow-wight even managed to set up shop in your domain?”
Tom: “No, because you are an two-timing liar! Nevertheless, I forgive you. In the meantime,
let’s carry all this treasure we’ve found in this hill out into the sunshine,
which will purify its corruption, and then we can all help ourselves to it. Oh,
by the way, you all need to take off all of your clothes and frolic in the
grass naked until your ponies come, because your clothes are corrupted. I know that’s a little strange because we’re
going to steal some of this stolen corrupted treasure, but gold and trinkets
and damasked knives are different from corrupted clothes, don’t you see?”
Frodo: “Ah, thank you, Tom. That makes a lot more sense.”
Ah well, for better or for worse, Tolkien decided not to include that dialogue. I guess we'll never know what LOTR could have been. Sigh.
Trilogy of crap chapters finished. Enough said.
"An alternate and better name for this chapter probably would have been “What it’s like to live in England.”" I bust up laughing there. Also: “Oh sweet fair Goldberry, your hair is so fair, like gold, and your breasts are so soft, just like berries, err, I mean, shoot . . .” I agree, Tom would've been a far more interesting character if he had just called out Frodo on his perviness around Goldenberry!
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